We have been married since I was nineteen years old, and that was a good eleven years ago. Almost twelve years of constant and never failing of everyday conversations, hellos, and I love you’s each passing day.
I know this is good. Being unable to speak with my husband…isn’t. Telling my children they can’t speak to their father is heart wrenching. Seeing the tears in my daughter’s eyes as he waves her goodbye is unbearable. The still waters of my heart is now like an unsettling wave in the ocean… Unsure of what is supposed to be happening.
I sat for a while in the driver’s seat finding myself unable to put the car in drive as I knew I wouldn’t find him at home. I knew I had to talk to Him, I knew I had to talk to God. I started to drive in the middle of my prayer.
I didn’t realize God’s plan unfolding throughout this past year. My eyes are literally opened as I was driving back home. I was starving for God’s fire in our family and marriage. I prayed for the fire to burn in our hearts to live for and by God. I wanted to be that kind of couple, my husband and I. I wanted us to be those kinds of parents, the way God parents us. Every little step, or new chapter, and transition in our life lead to this. I’ve prayed for it every single day, and at times, I would fight and argue at the changes in our life. That is the fault in me. Change scares me, it fuels the anxiety I try to contain but nevertheless, I adapt. Nevertheless, I turn to God for peace, but it was always with a strain of doubt. Never pure. Never truly trusting.
It was a difficult drive home. The realization of God’s power is numbing. Suddenly, the doubts and chain holding my hands and feet disappeared into thin air. Flashes throughout this past year succumbed my mind so deep that I can’t concentrate on finding my way home. I guess it was a great thing my GPS was on, otherwise I would’ve gotten lost.
It isn’t a cliche and it was never written in a script for a movie. It is from word of mouth by the people who has experienced God’s miracles first hand. God’s plan will truly unveil itself in His own time and in His own way. As a frail human with a frail heart, impatience invites doubt and fear that God is somehow not present and have forsaken us. The reality of this Gift is that when the whole plan unfolds and eyes has been opened… is that God does love me. Throughout all this time, He DID listen to me. Throughout all my doubts, He was already putting the plan in action.
I am now here, alone, on a bed that I look forward to each night to wind down with my husband. In this exact moment, I would be searching for a movie to watch with him. Instead, all I can see are my own two hands and feet. No sleepy utters of goodnight wishes to my best friend, but glances at the clock that tells me I’m exhausted, yet I am still wide awake. Awake not out of restlessness, but of God’s ever powerful presence.
The fear has turned into thankfulness, the doubts has turned itself into faithfulness that has intertwined with the veins of my heart. My husband is with my God, that is where he is. I am with God and God is with him. My tears as of now are the result of my joy in God’s never-failing nature.
I asked for You, Lord and you answered.
I knocked for You, Lord and you opened the door so wide that I can see You.
The angels you sent in the disguise of my landlord and my neighbor.
The little bits of heaven on earth you disguised as the city I live in…
Out of all the cities in this state, it was this one.
Out of all the neighbors I could be placed next to, it was this one.
Out of all the church in this state that my neighbor chose to go to, it was this one.
It was all You. I asked and You answered.
Matthew 7:7
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
