When fall comes, it’s not a surprise to find windstorms and heavy rain. It was enough to take the power out in my area. It didn’t affect my home, but it affected our church that we had to cancel service. Since I work at my church, it makes sense that our team would assist in the cases people do not know the service is cancelled. If there’s no power or cell service, how would it reach to everyone? Thinking about it yesterday, I didn’t think of that. Instead, I thought of being in a dark room for almost two hours as I await for people to show up since it was rainy and windy outside.
As I drove to the church, there was a memory that was brought into the light. Like a shovel appeared out of nowhere, it dug it out just perfectly. In the moment, I knew it was God. Then, I just got upset because I couldn’t believe it was a real memory that I suppressed.
Poor little me crying in a locked dark room that was being used as a storage room. It is clear to me now that is one of the reasons why rejection for me is difficult today. A random sadness that would come out of nowhere by a single remark or a dismissive act. I realized that trauma loves to stay hidden in a person’s soul.
I don’t know why I was in that dark room. Imagining what could a small child do to deserve that punishment? There were other flashbacks that grew vivid in my memories. I watched as my older brother and our nanny walking away to the store to get candies and snacks for him. Back then, In Indonesia, gates were common. That locked gate was big, metal, and painful as I cried with my back unto it. The same nanny, who would punish me with throwing bugs in my food if I didn’t finish eating it fast enough. As if I would ever eat it even faster, that logic now as an adult made no sense.
I feel as though I am a child again in those moments. I’m asking the Lord, why now? It’s cold and rainy, so I want to just cuddle under my blanket with my little teddy bear and watch a movie.
Instead, I’m holding back tears unable to think of anything else.
The Lord speaks His wisdom. He tells me things that my ears cannot hear, but my spirit hears Him perfectly. It’s for my good, He says and He knows why. There’s a rush of exhaustion that fell on flesh and I say, I can’t, Lord. Rest is what I need.
Yet, He says, “rest in Me and I will give you peace.” Peace is what my soul thirsts for. It is a word the Lord gave me as my name. Yet, I am most likely without peace consecutively in my days. I lament often. As my soul starts to burn with questions, restlessness decides to accompany me. I search relentlessly to find the perfect Bible plan to soothe this aching soul.
Yet, He says, “I have a plan for you.” The perfect plan did appear. There are little crumbles within me that the Lord seems to want to reveal. As I read the title on this plan… “The Vine – Fasting”, I knew what He has been calling me to do for the past couple of months. That soft voice of His that has been spoken to me. Soft, yet loud and He is getting louder.
He is the vine John 15:5 reminds us, and He gives us the vineyard of Love as Song of Songs 2:15 reveals.
As I slept last night, I prayed quietly in my mind. There were no words, but a desire to abide in the Lord. I remember hearing bells and stringed instruments in the middle of the night and it woke me. I thought someone was playing music in the house, but of course they were asleep. Such a faint sound, but loud enough that it made me think of heavenly music. What do the angels play there in heaven? It also made me think of if any of us would hear the trumpets the angels would blow during the stages of the end times.
Whatever the heavenly realms is like, I hear God. What is it, Lord, that you are doing? I am filled with trembling of the unknown. As I spend the days beyond with You, Lord, reveal and heal the depths within me. Amen.
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